Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
