Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm bleeding and have questions
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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