$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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