I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
