I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
