There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
