I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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