He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
