Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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