I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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