I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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