You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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