Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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