he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
