His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
