I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
