the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
