I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
