im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do vagina's smell?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
