Just cropdusted the office
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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