I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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