Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
