It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
