Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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