My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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