no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
