wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We had to coat check the pizza.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
