In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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