i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
