i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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