My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
