you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
