Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
