Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
