booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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