i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So much rum. So many feels.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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