Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
