Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
