Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
