My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
