He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
