I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
