Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
