Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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