She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
