i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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