i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
