There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
