The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
