Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
